In the last twenty-five years as a contractor I have inflicted literally hundreds of people with “remodeling fever,” the malaise that besets the healthiest homeowners once the dust starts flying. Some were even doctors, nurses, pharmacists, medical technicians and paramedics, yet they found, despite their medical expertise, that there is no real cure — you just have to tough it out. However, the universal result of the malady was a much happier home than before.
| TEN COMMANDMENTS OF REMODELING |
| ONE: Be reasonable in your expectations and expect the unexpected. (Really two commandments, but it wouldn’t fit the biblical model otherwise.) Every job has its problems. There was only one perfect carpenter and he was promoted to divinity. TWO: Don’t demand Perfection (with a capital “P”). One of my mentors once told me, “I can build any project 96% perfect. For a LOT more money I can get it 98% perfect…but no one can get it 100% perfect.” THREE: Consider the process an adventure! I often refer to the experience as “camping out” and ever since my Boy Scout days there hasn’t been one outdoor experience that I haven’t asked myself, “Why am I doing this?” FOUR: Sign with a reputable remodeling contractor. (If he tells you remodeling is “fun” show ‘im the door.) FIVE: Ask questions before you sign, and ask some more before the job starts. Our job as the contractor is to educate as well as “entertain.” SIX: Make a “haven” for yourself. Set up a place to get away from the chaos and dust and to maintain as normal a SEVEN: Batten down the hatches. Send drapes to the cleaner; cover high tech gear; store breakables; remove art from walls around the work area; set up a temporary kitchen; make arrangements for the animals; transplant valued plants; plan on cleaning the carpets and furniture after the work is done. EIGHT: Schedule a vacation (or two). NINE: Delegate a spokesperson who will be primarily responsible for communicating with the contractor. TEN: Keep the goal in sight. Put the plans showing the finished project on the refrigerator where you can see them daily. They are the light at the end of the tunnel. You will survive remodeling fever. |
I can empathize with the victims of this dread disease, for I too am a survivor. My wife and I remodeled our first home in Seattle continuously for eight years, and I understand the funk that besets the most optimistic patient. The house looks like a bombed-out ruin and the family is huddled in a makeshift kitchen in the basement surrounded by dust-covered boxes of foodstuffs and stacks of disheveled dishes.
My least favorite memory of those years was when we were just beginning the kitchen remodel phase, and the room looked like a plywood wasteland. We had removed the cabinets and all the appliances including the kitchen sink. My wife was relegated to doing the dishes by hand in the bathtub while trying to fend off our eighteen-month son and tend to our newborn daughter. Why we decided to remodel the kitchen at that time is a tale too bizarre to tell. Once I had received free tickets to a Seahawk/Raider game and decided to take our six year old instead of putting our kitchen/life back together. Hormonal tidal waves began coursing through her postpartum psyche. The harder I tried to rationalize my decision the more crazed my poor wife became. I fought back admirably, but she hurled barbed invectives like ninja stars and pinned me to the barren wall like an upper cabinet. I finally realized my folly and gave the tickets to my brother-in-law.
As humorous as this story is — now — it portrays the depths of emotions that can accompany a remodeling project. The disorientation and inconvenience gets to almost everyone eventually. The person considering a remodel should do some serious soul-searching and consider carefully, the Ten Commandments of Remodeling.
Paul Olson is a designer for Portland Home Remodeling. Contact Olson at 503-698-3444 or visit www.portlandhomeremodeling.com.
